Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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