she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
