I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
