I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
