Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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