I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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