It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
