got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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