Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
