i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just gift wrapped bread.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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