you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
