I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
