remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
