Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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