i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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