question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
