Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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