I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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