So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
