i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
