I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
