I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
