possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I got inside last night via doggy door
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
