Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
