So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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