Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
