Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
