I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
