How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
