we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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