I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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