So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Houston, we have a squirter
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
