My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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