I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
