I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
