At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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