Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
