You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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