I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
