Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
