Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dignity is for republicans.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
