I think my fart just growled at me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
