she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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