Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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