as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
