I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
