he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
