We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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