Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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