the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
