i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
