I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
