he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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